September 2, 2013
How I think my trip to Las Vegas and New York will go
This is part II of a story. Read part I here first or this will not make sense.
September 28, 2013
The next day, we left for our flight back to the east coast. We arrived at the airport and found yet another empty Jet Blue plane ready and waiting. A different captain was waiting at the entrance with a smile from ear to ear.
"Mr. Gormley, I heard how you saved my best friend's life. My name is Theodore Crunch. Welcome to my plane."
My girlfriend couldn't get the words out of her mouth fast enough. "Wait, your name is Captain Cr-"
"Bethany, go grab us a seat and let's get on our way," I stopped her from embarrassing the man. I looked back at Captain Crunch. "He's a good man and a fine pilot. How's he doing?"
"He died last night. He was told by everyone to go to the hospital but he refused. He was so stubborn about it."
"That's very tragic. How about those Blue Men huh? I'm gonna head for my seat now." I walked away and looked back for one last quip. "You don't have any heart problems do ya??" Captain Crunch smiled, raised his eyebrows, turned around and left for the cockpit.
The flight went smoothly and we landed in New York several hours later. After being chased by paparazzi and supermodels, we arrived at another five star hotel. The manager again asked which room we wanted and of course we requested the penthouse suite.
"We currently have someone in our penthouse suite. If you want, we can have him removed from our premises immediately." She was much less enthusiastic than the last manager and I liked that.
"Who's up there?" I asked just for kicks.
"Let me see… Ummm," she typed away at the computer as if she was just hitting random keys. She was really typing fast. "Oh here it is… A Mister Adam Sandler. He stays here a lot. He came in this morning to start filming a movie just down the street. Paul Shore's in it too. They play two high school students who-"
"We'll take it," my girlfriend interrupted. I'm glad she did.
"Ok, I'll get right on it. Just take a seat in the lobby and we'll have it ready within an hour."
We sat down in what were some of the nicest lobby chairs my ass has ever had the pleasure of meeting. "Boy these lobby chairs are great huh?"
"They're okay." My girlfriend wasn't as impressed as I was. It irritated me.
An hour later we could hear bitching and moaning coming from the elevator. "I can't believe this is happening to me again! I stay here all the time! Haven't you seen The Water Boy! Or what about Chuck and Larry!" I was surprised at the choices he made to point of his stardom.
Then it happened again. He made a B-line straight for us. "GORMLEY! GORMLEY!"
"Hello," I avoided eye contact the best I could.
"What are you following me around Gormley? What are you doing here? Shooting another commercial? That's some funny stuff, how'd you throw that card like that? And those basketball shots, how many tries did that take?" He wouldn't stop with the questions.
"I dunno, like 70?" I was unsure of how to end this.
"That's hilarious! Hey have you seen Grown Ups 2? How about you?" He started at my girlfriend with the questions. "What about Funny People? 50 First Dates? Little Nicky?" Then he started doing his annoying voices. "ADOOBOBOBODOOOEEEE!"
"Yes, you've been in a lot of movies," she said looking directly at me.
"Mr. Gormley, your penthouse suite is ready." The manager yelled across the lobby and saved us from this endless banter.
"Penthouse suite?" He asked confused. "Wait a minute..."
We stood up and started towards the desk to get our key.
"You're the one kicking me out into the streets?" He went from delighted to defeated. "But where will I sleep?"
"Sorry Adam, there's plenty of other hotels in New York." We left towards the elevator. I looked back one more time. His facial expression changed to something I haven't seen since commercials for Anger Management were on TV. There was a long awkward silence.
"You… DON'T MESS WITH THE ZOHAN!!"
"Mr. Sandler please, not again with this," the hotel manager started towards him. His eye contact didn't break with me as the elevator doors closed in front of us.
We went up to the top floor as we did the night before. "I'm gonna take a good old-fashioned nap." I was pretty tired.
"Okay, I'll wake you when the show is about to start. I'll start working on my hair." The show didn't start for five hours so I hoped that she would hurry.
My nap was successful. It was a standard four hour nap I try to take every day or so. She woke me with a request. "Wake up and get me some ice from downstairs!" I looked up and saw that she clearly needed more time with her hair. She also needed ice for some reason.
"Ok, I'll put on my suit and head for the ice chest. What floor is it on?" I begun getting dressed.
"Just one floor below, the 24th floor." She went back to the bathroom to continue her infinite struggle with curling irons and hair dryers.
I was ready for the show in literally 3 minutes. The elevator arrived on floor 24. I would've taken the stairs but I couldn't find them. I never like it when people take elevators for one floor but I was on vacation anyway. The ice chest laid there waiting to be opened. Halfway through filling up a large bucket, I felt a pat on my back.
"Nice commercial," the voice said from behind. I turned around. "Hi, I'm Dwayne." It was The Rock.
"Wow, hi The Rock. Nice to meet you, you were great in Walking Tall!" I was almost starstruck.
"Thanks, I'm glad you liked it. I heard you destroyed your competition."
"He didn't have any competition." Another voice said from behind. He walked over as I turned around. "You murdered that apple. Hi, I'm Bruce Willis." He stuck out his hand and gave me a firm handshake.
"Wow, nice to meet you. You were great in Die Hards 1, 2, 3, and 4."
"Thanks, sorry you didn't like the fifth," Bruce said with sincerity.
"I'd rather watch the Scorpion King," The Rock said before giving me the people's eyebrow.
"Hey, I don't write them, I just take home the paycheck. Did you eat that apple after you threw the card into it?" Bruce asked.
"Well actually I'm allergic to apples." They both looked shocked. "And any fruit with skin really."
"He hasn't had a peach in yee-ahs." I looked down the hallway to see two large black boots pacing towards us. I slowly looked up past the leather pants, the black shirt covered with a leather biker's jacket. A giant cigar lit with smoke coming out. Behind the cigar was the former Governor of California, Arnold Schwarzenegger. He came up behind Bruce and patted him on the back.
"What's up Arnie?" says Bruce.
He stuck out his giant hand for me to shake. I almost needed two hands to shake his. "That's some great stuff. I saw your commercial. I voted for you."
"Thanks," I said. And just as the words came out of my mouth we heard a large explosion from down below.
"What the hell was that?" Asked a broken Austrian accent. I tried not to laugh.
"It came from the first floor," said The Rock. "You think it was nuclear?"
"No, it wasn't nuclear, Rocky," Bruce replied. "Do you even know what nuclear means?"
"Yeah, that's the joke," The Rock said. "I did go to the University of Miami, you know?"
"Yeah, I'm sure they were real strict with your grades," Arnold said. "We all know how those football players keep up the school's high education standards!" Arnold and Bruce laughed.
"Guys we have to go find out what that was," I said. "What if it was something serious?" It was at that point that my phone rang. It was a number I didn't recognize. I answered it. "Hello?"
"Mark, it's Bob, the CEO of Blue Man Group." He sounded distressed. His voice was nervous like he was reading something. I could hear others in the background. "Come down to the first floor so we can….."
I heard another voice whisper, "Read it, read the note."
"So we can… don't come down here it's a trap!"
I heard the loud sound of a gunshot followed by a thud on the floor.
"What the funk!" I yelled. I didn't like to swear. Another voice came through the phone.
"Gormley? Gormley? Your friend wasn't supposed to tell you that." It was the voice of Adam Sandler.
"What's going on?" The Rock asked. "Who's on the phone?"
"Shhhhh!" I put my index finger over my mouth. He put his hands up as if asking 'What did I do?' Then I winked at him. He smiled.
"Gormley," he continued from the phone. "How's the penthouse suite, Gormley? I didn't like what you did, Gormley." I was sure he knew who I was. "I went to Las Vegas just to see that show, Gormley. I still haven't seen Blue Man Group. But I don't think I have to worry about that anymore."
"What are you talking about, what have you done?"
"Let's just say that I have three of your friends locked in a room on the first floor." I could tell he was serious. "And if you ever want to see them alive again, you're going to have to give up that penthouse suite." I put the phone down for a second and told the gang what was going on.
"Adam Sandler kidnapped the Blue Man Group." The three of them looked at me listening carefully to every word. "He's holding them downstairs in a room on the first floor. He wants his penthouse suite upstairs."
"Damnit!" Arnold bellowed. "I came here just to see their show tonight!"
"So did I," The Rock and Bruce Willis said at the same time.
"Jinx, buy me a coke," Bruce said to The Rock.
"OOOOh, he got you!" Arnold said.
"What are we going to do?" I asked them.
"We don't negotiate with terrorists," Bruce Willis answered.
"Amen to that," said Arnold.
I picked the phone back up and spoke gently. "Adam, you need to let this go. Release the Blue Men. You've already murdered one man, don't make it any worse."
"One?" Adam said. "You're forgetting about the hotel manager and several staff members who said they didn't like The Wedding Singer. We have this entire hotel taken over."
"We?" I asked. "Who else would follow you into this craziness?" The phone went dead.
"What is going on down there?" Bruce asked.
"Boys, we have a hostage situation." I took control of the team. "Sandler is not alone. I don't know who or how many others are working with him, but I think we all know what we're going to have to do…"
Bruce immediately ripped off his shirt to reveal a wifebeater. Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap by AC/DC started playing in the background.
The Rock started flexing his muscles and pulled a 2x4 out of nowhere. Arnold threw his cigar to the floor, stepping on it with his giant black boots. "Let's kick some Sandler ass!" He said. I still had a hard time not laughing.
We headed to the stairway. But first, Bruce headed for the elevator and grabbed a marker and blank piece of paper.
"What are you doing?" The Rock asked him.
"You'll see when you get down there," Bruce sounded excited. "This is gonna be great. I'll meet you guys at the bottom."
After going down 20 flights, Arnold started getting tired. "Ahhh we almost there yet?"
"Just two more flights, Conan," I tried getting him back in the mood.
"The Barbarian!" The Rock shouted. "But he ain't no Hercules."
"I played Hercules too," Arnold said. "It was in the late 60's. It wasn't very good to be honest."
"Yeah, I saw the trailer," I said. "Stay away from that one," I said looking at The Rock.
We got to the second floor and could hear some commotion from behind the door. We had no idea what to expect. I opened the door slowly and peeked out. In my sights was something I could not believe. I shut the door and looked back at the two of them.
"What was it?" asked The Rock.
"I don't think you guys are going to believe me," I said.
"Go ahead," Arnold insisted.
"Okay... Pauly Shore and David Spade are down the hall holding machine guns."
"You're kidding," Arnold said as they both started laughing hysterically. "Those two losers can barely tie their own shoes. I know David, I'll go have a word with him."
"No, wait!" I shouted and whispered at the same time as he opened the door. He walked out into the hallway without a weapon.
"David, how ah you, it's me, Ahhnold." The door closed.
Seconds later, we heard nothing but the sound of machine guns going off. The bullets echoed down the hallway.
"HOLY SHIT!" The Rock screamed as his eyes lit up. Arnold dove back through the door.
"Get the hell outta hea!" He landed on the platform between floors. The door closed and I jetted down the stairs. The Rock didn't follow. He waited behind the door. He had his 2x4 up over his right side.
The door busted open again. It was David Spade with a gun pointed at Arnold. "Terminate this," he said in his dorky little voice.
The Rock smashed him over the head with his 2x4, saving The Terminator. Spade's head hit the floor and his neck snapped instantly.
"Thanks, Rocky," Arnold said as he recovered. Just then out comes Paul Shore from behind The Rock.
"Hey, dudes." He opened fire but the weapon was too big for him. He started shooting up into the ceiling. At that point The Rock ran at him full force with his right arm out, lifted him 6 feet into the air, and Rock Bottomed him into the floor.
"Ahhh, my back, my back. Dude, like, not cool man." He was so annoying. The Rock picked up his gun.
"Pauly Shore is dead now." He pulled the trigger and let out the full magazine into the former movie star.
"Well done The Rock," I said giving him the finger point shoot.
"I used to beat these nerds up in high school all the time." The Rock didn't seem to care he just killed two people.
Arnold and I also didn't care.
"Let's keep moving ahh," Arnold was back on his feet.
We got to the first floor and I peeked out as I did before. Nothing was there. I opened the door all the way and we walked out, silently. The Rock had his 2x4, Arnold had David Spade's machine gun and I was unarmed. Before we knew it, we were in the front lobby. The entire front side of the building was destroyed.
"Looks like they nuked us," Arnold said laughing. I giggled. The Rock sighed.
"Well, well, well…" Sandler walked out with three others, all holding machine guns. He was dressed in drag as he dressed in Jack and Jill.
I looked across the room and saw the body of the hotel manager and four other employees dead on the floor. The rest of the staff was sitting on the floor behind Sandler and his gang. They all looked terrified. The Blue Men must've been in the door behind the staff which was unreachable from where we were. The four of them walked a few more steps towards us and stopped about 15 feet away.
"Did you come here to give me back my penthouse suite key?" Adam asked. "If you give it back, we can forget about all of this."
I looked at the bodies again. "You're never getting the key back, Gilmore. Release the Blue Men and the employees right now." I started looking at the rest of his gang. It was a group of faces I couldn't stand yet saw constantly on FX.
"You shouldn't take other people's rooms," Kathy Griffin said. She pointed her machine gun straight at me.
"Yeah, what do you think, you win a WHDH contest and you can just sleep wherever you want?" Rob Schneider was shorter than I thought.
"Give him back the key or else!" Kevin James gained back all the weight he lost from Here Comes the Boom.
"You should lay off the twinkies, tubby," Arnold took a blast at James. The insult and the accent both hit me pretty hard. But I kept a straight face.
"Lower your weapons or prepare to be dead," Rob Schneider wasn't a man with words. But we had no choice. Arnold lowered his gun and we gave up. They walked towards us and told us to turn around to face away from them.
"Ready for a bedtime story?" Sandler whispered into my ear. Then I felt a hard whack on the back of my head.
I awoke in a daze. My head hurt and the room was blurry. It slowly came into focus. My hands were handcuffed together behind my back. They had me seated in one of the lobby chairs. At least I was comfortable. I looked over at Arnold and The Rock and could see the fear in both their eyes looking back at me as if to say 'save us.' Their hands were also handcuffed together and they were sitting on chairs facing opposite directions with their backs against each other. It all felt so familiar. I knew that I would have to finish this myself. I searched the room and to my surprise I saw a basketball, a knife and a playing card spread across the floor. I had to get out of these cuffs.
"Don't get any ideas, Gormley," Sandler realized I was awake. "You should've just given me my room back. Now you'll never get to see Blue Man Group perform tonight." He pointed his gun at me. "Any last requests?"
"Ummm… you got any aspirin?"
"Haha, sure. Kathy give him this." He handed her a bottle. Kathy started towards me when we heard the elevator ding.
Sandler was startled and pointed his gun towards it. "Who the hell is that?" He walked towards the elevator cautiously. No one came out. A piece of paper was on the floor with something written on it. He picked it up. "Ho-Ho-Ho… Spanglish Sucked!" He looked around and started breathing heavily. He was furious. "AHHHHHHHHHH!"
All of a sudden we heard the sound of a machine gun from outside coming in through the top of the lobby window. I looked up to see Bruce Willis riding a rope from the floor above. He shot through the glass window and did a kickass flip through the air, landing in a summersault. "Yippie Kai-yay mother-"
"Shut yo mouth," The Rock said smiling. He knew he could only watch and enjoy the scene from this point.
Kathy was right in front of me when she looked down and saw a bent paperclip next to my leg on the chair. She looked back up at me. "Oh shit." I uppercut punched her right in the jaw with the open side of my handcuffs, immediately knocking her out. I'd always kept a paperclip in my shoe for emergencies. I then sprinted for the basketball, pulled back my leg and kicked it as hard as I could towards the wall. It bounced off the wall and hit Kevin James right in the head, killing him instantly.
Sandler was unloading into Bruce's direction and Bruce was firing back. He hit Bruce in the leg and he went down. I slid on the floor to the knife as fast as I could and lunged it towards Rob Schneider, who was shooting at me with terrible aim. He was only ten feet away. The knife hit him right between the eyes. Blood splattered everywhere as he fell to the floor. I finally had my eyes on the playing card. I dove for it, picked it up and pulled my arm back ready to throw, but it was too late.
"Hold it right there, Gormley!" Adam had the gun pointed at my face from ten feet away. I knew at this point that his shot was good enough to actually hit me.
Bruce Willis was in the background holding his leg screaming in pain."I've never actually been shot before, this really hurts!" I felt bad. I couldn't help but feel a little responsible for all of this. Did I really deserve this man's penthouse suite? This man standing in front of me dressed as a woman who just killed at least five people? And then it came to me.
"Whoa! Is that Al Pacino!" I pointed behind Adam.
He turned around. "Where?"
I pulled my arm forward in the fastest throwing motion I could make. The playing card flew through the air at an amazing speed. The Rock's eyes followed it the whole way. Arnold was still facing the opposite direction. The card hit Adam right in the eye as he turned back around. It hit him so hard that he fell back five feet in the air before landing on his back, unconscious. The Rock could see what card it was.
"The six of diamonds, that's ironic," The Rock said for everyone to hear.
"Why is that ironic?" Bruce asked.
"Because the diamonds… what does ironic mean again?"
"There's that University of Miami degree in action again," Arnold said. Bruce laughed along with the rest of the employees. I walked over and let The Rock and Arnold loose. Then the rest of the employees.
"I'll assume my three friends are behind that door?" I asked the staff.
"Yes they are," said one of them. "Thanks again for saving us. That commercial was great."
"No problem," I said as I walked towards the door. I unlocked the latch before opening it up and walking in. The three of them were standing there creepily but something was different this time.
"Mr. Gormley, thank you for saving us." The Green Man said. "And thank you for saving our show! We changed colors and overnight we have sold out all of our shows for the next two years!"
"That's great, glad I could help." We walked out and the chaos was finally over. The show started late that night and the Green, Red, and Yellow Man Group again introduced me as a special guest. But this time, I brought a few friends on stage. Arnold, The Rock, and Bruce Willis joined me in a bow that created the loudest applause ever recorded. A man from the Guiness Book of World Records was in the audience to confirm this. We sat back down in the front row and my girlfriend finally arrived.
"Where have you been?" I asked her.
"I was just finishing my hair. Why didn't you get the ice?"
"Uh-oh, someone is in trouble." Arnold said. Bruce and The Rock cracked up.
"Oh brother," I said. "Let's just enjoy the show."
The new show was excellent. Much better than the night before. It was a fun day but I had to admit I was happy to be finally going home tomorrow. This was certainly a long weekend.
Continue on to part III here.