July 7, 2015

 

How I think my trip to Las Vegas and New York will go

Part IV

 

This is part IV of a story. Start from part I here first or this will not make sense.

 

Stomp! Clap!

Stomp Stomp! Clap!

Stomp! Clap!

Stomp Stomp! Clap!

 

"I...pulled...up to the house around seven or eight and I yelled to the cabbie yo homes, smell ya later!" Will Smith was rapping over the Blue Men making a musical beat, stomping their feet and clapping their hands. The Rock and Neil DeGrasse Tyson were bobbing their heads, mouthing the lyrics. "Looked at my kingdom, I was finally there, to sit on my throne as the Prince-"

 

"He's awake," Tyson interrupted, walking over towards me. I unstrapped myself and began to feel leveled. Tyson helped me to my feet. "You alright? You were out for a while."

 

"Years of practice, my man." I looked outside through the reflection-less windows. It was an incredible view. I've seen photos but damn, space was deep!

 

space

 

The ship's controls looked a bit like Star Trek, except we were all on one floor. It was silver and shiny. As was the ceiling.

 

"What do you think of our ship, Mr. Gormley?" A Blue Man asked.

 

"It's alright. Could use some more colors. Maybe a flatscreen or something. A table would be nice."

 

"So where we off to fellas?" The Rock asked the Blue Men.

 

"Or when?" Tyson added in, laughing afterwards. I didn't know if he was serious or not.

 

"When?" The Rock looked around the room. "When? Wait a minute!" He shouted.

 

The room went silent. The Blue Men stared and waited. I looked around to see Will Smith and Neil DeGrasse Tyson giving The Rock the attention he needed. It was at that point that I realized I was the only white guy on the spaceship. Which I was totally cool with.

 

"We need to go back in time!" The Rock proclaimed. We each raised our eyebrows in confusion. "Before The Rock left the stadium when Dennis Rodman took control, The Rock asked Sylvester Stallone how they all got there. He told The Rock they came by spaceship and that we had gone back in time to pick them all up!"

 

"That sounds about right," I said.

 

Tyson, who was the most knowledgeable human on this subject currently on the spaceship, asked the Blue Men, "Is this true? Have you discovered time travel?"

 

The Blue Men turned their heads toward the side of the ship. A time dial rose from the floor. It looked just like a time dial should look. Circular, with today's date on it, and a big red button in the center.

 

"Oh snap!" Will Smith was amazed. We all walked over and inspected the time travel device.

 

"Do you know what this means?" I asked them.

 

"We can go back and kill Hitler!" The Rock shouted.

 

hitler

 

"No we cannot!" Tyson denied the People's Champ. "Changing anything in history could end our very existence. It would be like you were never even born!"

 

"You sound like you've seen too many movies," The Rock replied.

 

"We have yet to use this time dial," a Blue Man said. "It was installed for emergency purposes only. We have not yet had an emergency."

 

"Except for that one time we went back in time 500 years because-" Another Blue Man started explaining something but was interrupted.

 

"We have not yet had to use the time dial!" The first Blue Man said again. We really needed to get names for these guys.

 

"So Rocky," I started questioning. "You are saying that in order to save ourselves from Kim Jung Un and Dennis Rodman, we need to go back in time to assemble the Expendables?"

 

"That's exactly what The Rock is saying."

 

"Cool!" This is something I always wanted to say I did. "How does this time dial work?" I asked.

 

A Blue man put his hand on the device. "You set the date and time you want to travel to here," he said. We watched closely. "Then when you pick the date and time, you simply press the red button."

 

"Seems like a pretty standard time travel device," Will Smith said. He was familiar with time travel as he went back in time in Men In Black 3.

 

mibtravel

 

"I don't like this idea at all," Tyson said while shaking his head.

 

"It's okay," I patted him on the shoulder and pulled something out of my pocket for him.

 

"Oh wow!" He grabbed the Twinkie out of my hand.

 

"Well... it's settled," I made the decision. "Rocky, when did Stallone tell you we had to go back to?"

 

The Rock walked over to the time dial and started fiddling with it. "Don't worry, The Rock remembers." The three of us waited as we heard the buttons beep behind the device. He was concentrating closely, hopefully not thinking about when John Cena beat him for the WWE Championship. It sounded like he was finished. He looked up at us and raised his hand about a foot above the big red button.

 

"All set Rocky?" Asked Will Smith. We were all standing by.

 

"We're going back..." The Rock gave me the people's eyebrow and I somehow knew his next few words. "... to Nazi Germany."

 

"No!" Tyson shouted and reached out his arm in an attempt to stop him. The Rock slammed his meat hammer down on the red button.

 

Everything stopped as the room lit up. It was a blinding light, the brightest I've seen since I looked at the sun through binoculars when I was a lad. My whole body felt pressure. Not first-day-of-work pressure. Physical pressure. Like I was being squeezed. I couldn't see anything, it was so bright. "I'm blind!" I screamed. Yet I couldn't hear anything because of the ringing in my ears. The pressure got tighter and tighter. I was time traveling, yay! At least I thought it was time travel. I've always been a fan of time travel ever since I saw Time Cop.

 

The lights began to dim. I could slowly see again. The pressure didn't give up. I could finally see what was causing it. "Hi, The Rock," I said to The Rock who was giving me a big hug.

 

"I got scared, I'm sorry!" He was embarrassed. As he should be.

 

Tyson grilled him. "What the hell were you thinking‽" I have seen enough time travel movies to understand why he was so upset. The Blue Men really didn't want to take any responsibility for any of our actions.

 

blue

 

"Have you ever even heard of Hitler?" The Rock asked him with sincerity.

 

"I've heard of Hitler!" Will Smith was proud. I'd also heard of him.

 

"Well let's do what we came here to do," I cut right to the chase. Tyson had a puzzled look on his face. As if he was saying WTF, mate. "Listen, Tyson," I addressed his concern. "You're not going to convince the greatest wrestler of all time not to kill the worst war criminal of all time." The Rock cracked a smile. "You can stay on the spaceship, we will handle him." I then realized I was probably the only one who wouldn't stick out of the group of us. It was Nazi Germany after all.

 

"Let's do this!" Rocky was excited. But I had to break the news to him.

 

I grabbed his shoulder. "Listen, Rock... I don't think you should come out with me to Nazi Germany to kill Hitler. It's far too dangerous and I don't want anyone turning the sweet guy you are into monster.

 

"You're afraid he'll join them," Will Smith chimed in with some comedy relief.

 

"No, I"-

 

"It's okay," The Rock took the news well. "You're right. I won't fit in out there. But here, take this." The Rock pulled out his WWE Championship belt and handed it to me.

 

belt

 

I took the belt and looked at it. "Oh.... Thanks...." Sometimes I don't quite get this guy.

 

I walked up to Tyson and shook his hand. "You're making a huge mistake." He was probably right but you only live once.

 

Then I strolled over to the Fresh Prince. We did the Jazz handshake, slapped hands and then a sideways thumbs up.

 

jazz

 

Finally, I gave my goodbye to the Blue Men. "Later, bitches."

 

It was time to kill Hitler. I walked out of the spaceship to the bright sunny day. Too bright. Where are my sunglasses? "Bollocks! I left my sunglasses in Las Vegas!"

 

"I thought you never went to Vegas," Will Smith said.

 

"Oh yeah," I said back and pulled my sunglasses down from the top of my head. Much better. As I exited, the door ascended and the ship went invisible again. Finally some time alone!

 

I commenced my tour of Nazi Germany. We had landed in an alleyway and I left it onto a street. Right as I got to the street, two Nazis spotted me. Crap! What am I thinking! They are going to kill me!

 

The Nazis marched quickly towards me and I could tell they were skeptical. "Wohin gehst du!" One of them yelled at me. I think it was a question. "Wohin gehst du!" The other one yelled. I had to think of something.

 

"Umm, que?" I answered with a question. A Spanish question. Damnit. The two of them looked at each other and curled their eyebrows with intense suspicion.

 

"Sprechen sie Deutsch!" One of them yelled again. This one kind of sounded familiar.

 

"Umm..." C'mon, Gormley, think.

 

"Sprechen sie Deutsch!" He was getting louder. A horse galloped up the street behind them. Then it came back to me. The first level of German Rosetta Stone I took several years ago.

 

I pointed at the horse. "Ein... pferd?" I'd hoped that two words were enough German to trick the Nazis.

 

The two of them looked behind at where I had pointed. Then they looked at each other and paused. Seconds later, they broke into laughter. "Hahaha, ein pferd!"

 

"Ein pferd!" The two Nazis began yelling it between themselves like I was some sort of joke. Jerks. They patted me on the back and kept walking, laughing for as long as I could hear them. "Ein pferd!" Man, I hated those guys.

 

I kept walking down the street. Wait a minute. Isn't Germany big? How in the hell am I ever going to find Hitler in all- Holy shit! It's him! Hitler was walking into a giant doorway about a hundred yards down the street, all by himself. I was seeing excellently without my glasses for some reason.

 

hitler

 

It was a street with big brick buildings on both sides. There were Nazi flags everywhere. I felt like I was playing Call of Duty II. Where was he going? Who knows. But I had to follow. I followed the fuhror ever so closely. As I snuck to the doorway, I heard gunfire in the distance. Then explosions. I ran inside as it got closer.

 

"BOOM!" The explosions went as I entered a large empty room, excluding Hitler quickly continuing on. I tiptoed behind him like the fierce ninja I always pretended to be. The walls were covered in paintings of the German leader. What a conceited little douche. Angry German shouting was coming from a room on the side getting louder and closer. Marching footsteps of multiple soldiers, it surely was. I hid against the wall and froze. About a dozen armed Nazis ran by me for the front door. The allies must've been close. I stayed frozen as more and more Nazis kept running by. I really had to pee, but I held it together. The final group of Nazis flew by, totally amped for war.

 

I somersaulted to the door Hitler went through and put my ear to it. All I could hear was screaming German from the other side. Then footsteps. I hid next to the door as two more Nazis exited towards the outside. "Now's my chance," I whispered in English. I slowly pushed open the door and peaked in, seeing nothing. Where was he? The room appeared to be some sort of Nazi kitchen. There was a table, a sink, a fridge... I had to check the fridge. I opened it up and found nothing but bratwursts. I was hungry but I still had to pee.

 

"Mein Kampf," the most evil voice of all time came from directly behind me. I turned around to see Adolf Hitler holding a plate with a bratwurst on it. "Hallo!" He smashed the plate over my head and I fell to the floor.

 

bratwurst

 

I woke up an a daze yet again. I was starting to get a little too familiar with getting knocked out. My hands were tied behind my back and I was sitting on a comfortable Nazi chair.

 

"Hallo, herr Gormley," Hitler somehow knew who I was. "Sprechen sie Deutsch?"

 

"Nein," I did not speak German.

 

"Fair enough," Hitler spoke almost perfectly. I was impressed. "Mr. Gormley, you have come at a very unfortunate time. For I am about to win World War II. The world as you know it is about to end," he said as he smiled confidently.

 

"What are you talking about, Rudolph?" I asked him. "You never won World War II! What year is it anyway?"

 

Hitler laughed. "Ze year is 1945 and it is the 30th of April." For the love of God, The Rock brought us back to the day Hitler killed himself. "This is the day that will go down in infamy!" Hitler wheeled out a desk to proudly show off. There were large controls all over it. It looked confusing.

 

"As far as I know, this day doesn't end well for you, fruitcake," I said to him. He punched me in the face. Then again and again. It hurt! "Ow, Hitler!"

 

"You see my device here?" I looked towards the controls. "This is the central control for every nuclear bomb in the hands of the American Government. And now I have control. A few more codes and it'll be all set for world domination!" Hitler laughed and punched me in the face again. "The soviet troops are closing in, but that won't matter once they have no home to go back to!"

 

"You're insane, Rudolph!" I tried changing his mind as the machine started beeping. It couldn't have been good news. Hitler concentrated on the screen and began typing. Then smiled and looked up at me.

 

"Zat is it! Ze device is ready!" We could both hear the gunfire from outside as it got louder. "Once I press zis button, ze world is mine!" His finger slowly came down towards the button he was referring to.

 

"Hitler, no!" I shouted in my final attempt to save the world.

 

The door burst open, with the hinges damn near breaking off. A broad-shouldered mammoth of a man stood in the doorway. "Finally, The Rock has come back to...Nazi Germany!" The Rock sprinted ten feet to Hitler, held up his hand, spit on it and slapped Hitler so hard it nearly knocked him out. "The world doesn't belong to no German Jabroni," The Rock picked him up by his neck and rock-bottomed him onto the floor, slamming him hard against it. "Know your role."

 

rock bottom

 

His attention then went to me. "We gotta get outta here! This was not a good idea!" He rushed over to free me from the Nazi chair.

 

"Thanks dude, that was awesome! You killed Hitler!"

 

"Not quite," Hitler was still alive, barely. He looked up at us and reached for his handgun in his belt. I quickly stomped on his head, cracking his skull.

 

"Oh, shit!" I yelled scared. "That was a reaction! I didn't mean to-"

 

"It's cool, man. It was Hitler." The Rock was casual about it. Yet realistically I just murdered someone. And I didn't want to go to prison.

 

"We gotta make this look like an accident," I said to The Rock while looking around the room.

 

The Rock leaned down towards Hitler. "Already on it." He took the handgun and shot Hitler in the head. Then put the gun into Hitler's hand.

 

"Jesus christ!" I was not used to all this violence. At that point the door opened again and someone ran in.

 

"Mein Furor!" A man in a dress cried as he saw Hitler dead on the floor. The Rock elbowed him right in the head, knocking him out cold. Upon further investigation, it wasn't a man at all. It was a woman.

 

"Oh shit!" The Rock shouted. "It was an accident! The Rock would never hit a woman!" He tried shaking her to wake her up. She was snoring. We had to get out of here.

 

"Okay, let's get out of here. I have to go to the bathroom first, I've been holding it in for the entire World War II finale." I went to the bathroom which was connected to the kitchen and finally relieved myself. I came back out to The Rock pouring a bottle of pills down the woman's throat. "What the hell are you doing?"

 

"I found this medicine in the fridge!" He was forcing as many pills as he could down the woman's throat. I got closer.

 

"I think that's his girlfriend or something." I looked at the bottle of pills and took them from his hand. 'CYANIDE' clearly labeled on the side. I shook my head. "The Rock, I don't think this is going to help her. You need to take a first aid class or something. We need to get going."

 

"Well, you can't blame The Rock for trying," he said to me.

 

"Under normal circumstances, you would absolutely be blamed for this." I threw the bottle of pills and walked towards the door. "Wait!" I remembered something important. "We must destroy this machine so no one else will ever be able to take over the world!"

 

The Rock agreed and started punching the machine. It worked quite well as pieces started flying. I looked around the room for anything to help and grabbed a gallon of gasoline. I covered the machine and pulled out a match. "Auf wiedersehen, Hitler." The match was struck and thrown onto the gasoline, creating a massive blaze.

 

fire

 

"Now that's what The Rock is cookin'!" He ran towards the door and we retreated together.

Only minutes later, we reached the spot where we left our spaceship. A group of Nazis was after us and we yelled to let us in.

 

"We're back, they're behind us!" I was hoping they heard although I saw nothing.

 

"Where's the U.F.O.?" The Rock asked. The ship then appeared and opened up, inviting us in. "Oh, yes. Forgot it was invisible. The Rock doesn't have much of a short term memory." We climbed back up and jumped inside. It was good to have the team together again.

 

"How did it go?" The Fresh Prince asked.

 

I got the attention of the room. "Let's just say we... KILLED HITLER!" I shouted joyfully. I mean every time traveler has dreamed about it but we actually got it done. I looked over at Tyson, who didn't seem upset.

 

"Good work, Mark," he was happy. I didn't ask him why. "Now, about those Expendables."

 

RATATATATATATA

 

Machine guns outside. We must've not been invisible yet. The Blue Men went to the side of the ship and each grabbed something. I had a feeling it was some sort of weapon they were each holding. The door opened up again. They went to the top and pointed their space guns at the crowd of Nazis.

 

"Give 'em hell," I commanded them. The Blue Men pulled their triggers and we suddenly heard a loud whooping sound. It wasn't normal bullets which these space gun were shooting, no. It was some kind of supersonic sound ray. Or something like that. We began hearing screams from the crowd outside. I looked down the doorway and saw the Nazis falling over each other vomiting profusely. It was disturbing and hilarious.

 

"Guess who's calling in sick tomorrow!" Prince William shouted at them.

 

"Looks like you'll be going on medical leave!" Tyson was amused.

 

"You guys are going to need some cyanide pills!" The Rock still didn't get the mistake he made earlier. We stared at him, baffled.

 

The whooping sound ended as the three Blue Men turned around and walked back to the wall to return their space weapons. One of the Blue Men hit a button on the controls and the door began to close. Right before it did, a man jumped in and landed on the floor in front of us.

 

"Help me!" Someone familiar to all of us.

 

"No way!" I knew who it was. "Gibson?" It was Mel Gibson.

 

gibson

 

"It's crazy out there fellas, stay in here!" He looked terrible. And drunk.

 

"You were fighting with the soviets out there?" Tyson asked, horrified. We helped Mel Gibson to his feet.

 

"Soviets?" He asked as he vomited all over the floor.

 

"We should get back to our time," Prince William suggested. He was right. Mel Gibson fell to the floor. We decided to leave him there.

 

"So The Rock," Tyson began questioning him sarcastically. "Did Stallone tell you when we had to go back to?" Because the first time The Rock sent us back to Nazi Germany.

 

"Yeah, yeah," Rocky went back over to the time dial. "I know exactly when we're going." He confidently entered numbers into the time machine. We were really putting a lot of trust into this guy. "All set." He looked up and smiled.

 

"Wait," Tyson went over and inspected the date. "I'll do the honors this time if you don't mind."

 

"Go right ahead, science man."

 

Tyson raised up his hand. "We must go back...to the past!" He slammed his hand down on the button and everything lit up again. The ringing in my ears was back as well. I went blind for a moment as it was so bright! Then it felt like my hands were in water. Like I was swimming. It felt like I was standing full clothed in 4 feet of water. The light dimmed and I could slowly see again. Mel Gibson was kneeling in front of me, barfing heavily.

 

"What the hell, Gibson!" I stepped back, covered in puke.

 

"Sorry...." He pulled a bottle out of his jacket and took a long drink. He could barely open his eyes. "Yabba dabba doo!" I kicked him in the face and knocked him out cold.

 

"Okay, so let me get this straight..." Tyson was putting the plan together. A Blue Man walked over with a towel for me. "We need to gather The Expendables, fly them back to North Korea, drop off The Expendables, and in between pick up Prince William and myself on the way?"

 

"Yes." I didn't follow.

 

"Piece of cake. Let's do it." Tyson walked over to the ship's controls and we took off.

 

"Hold up," Will Smith had something to say. "Why are we picking us up?" He made a good point.

 

"Now Will, do you remember how we met up with these guys in the first place?" Degrasse Tyson seemed to know far too much about this. Smith looked at the floor, pondering.

 

"No."

 

"Okay, well why don't we leave it to the astrophysicist." We went full speed as if we were at the greatest point of a roller coaster. I dug it.

 

"We're here." Tyson stopped the ride.

 

I glanced outside to see a mansion with a giant cross above the doorway "Who we picking up first."

 

"The Texas Ranger," Tyson replied as he opened up the door. We landed in his front yard. I walked down and out onto the beautifully cut green grass.

 

"Who goes there?" A southern accent howled from the house. I couldn't see anyone.

 

"Mr. Norris, it's Mark Gormley! From the commercial that aired on NBC briefly!" I spoke loudly for him to hear.

 

"I love your work," the same voice startled me from behind. I turned around. "Hi, I'm Chuck Norris." He was wearing a jean jacket and a cowboy hat. His great bushy beard was in full season.

 

norris

 

"How can I help you?"

 

"Mr. Norris, I need your help defeating Kim Jung Un." His smile turned serious. He looked deep into my soul with those dead eyes.

 

"I hate the Chinese. They stand for everything against the Christian American way. I'm in." We went back up into the spaceship and I quickly introduced him to everyone. Then we took off.

 

"What's up Chuck?" Tyson asked Norris in a friendly way. Norris responded with a stare-down.

 

"What's this blasphemous, God-fearing psycho doing here? He doesn't follow the word of the Lord."

 

"It's okay, Chuck Norris," I eased the tension. "We converted him to Jebus or whatever. You must know Mel Gibson," I pointed at the floor. He was still out cold.

 

"Oh, hey Mel," it sounded like this wasn't the first time they met like this.

 

We came to another stop. I looked outside to see a much smaller mansion, although still a pretty nice house. The grass needed to be cut this time. I walked out into the front yard and rang the doorbell. An eviction notice was on the front door. There were sounds of grunting coming from the back yard. I walked around the corner to see a filthy pool. Yuck. Next to it, there he was, Wesley Snipes doing sword tricks. He was throwing up papers into the air and slicing them in half. One of them flew over and landed in front of me. It was a W-2 form.

 

snipes

 

"Mr. Snipes?" I frightened him. He saw me and jumped into his pool, fully clothed.

 

"Oh hey," he acted like he'd been in there the whole time. "Just enjoying a swim in my pool."

 

"Mr. Snipes, I need your help with killing Kim Jung Un."

 

He quickly answered, "How much does it pay?"

 

"Well, uh," I wasn't prepared for that but I pulled out my wallet and took out some cash. "I have about thirty-"

 

"I'll do it!" He jumped out of the pool and grabbed his sword. He was wearing his full 'Blade' costume. I led him out to the spaceship and we boarded.

 

"How's it going, Wesley. I'm The Rock." The Rock offered a handshake.

 

"TSSSSS!" Snipes hissed at him. We shot off and landed in another yard. No idea how Tyson knew where all these guys lived. I walked out into the front yard and the front door busted open.

 

"EXPLOSIOOOOOOOOOON!!!!" Terry Crews sprinted towards the ship and grabbed me along the way. Halfway into the ship, his house blew up. The force sent us flying into the ship, knocking over Chuck Norris and Will Smith.

 

"Shit!" Tyson pulled up and away from the house to a safe distance.

 

"What the hell was that, Terry Crews‽" I was excited to see the star of 'White Chicks.'

 

crews

 

He stood up and cheerfully addressed his mistake. "Whatever you do, don't mix Old Spice and dynamite!" He roared with laughter. I guess he had a lot of money because his house was completely destroyed and he didn't have a care in the world. "Where we off to on this fine evening?"

 

"North Korea," Tyson answered.

 

"Oh great, I love Hawaii. Hey, I used to play for the Rams!" He was such a cool guy. Really enthusiastic about being here.

 

Next stop we went deep into the jungle. The ship landed surrounded by trees in every direction. I didn't ask who we were picking up but was almost positive who it was. I trekked carefully into the forrest. The birds were chirping, along with other animal sounds I wasn't familiar with. It was peaceful yet I was a bit nervous.

 

"Coo-Coo!" It was surely a man-made sound.

 

"Hello?" I looked up at the trees around me, trying to figure out where it came from. "My name is Mark-"

 

Footsteps behind be and then a crack to the back of my skull. I blacked out. Yet again.

 

 

"Hey," I felt a slap to the face. "Hey!" My vision was blurry. My hands were tied behind my back and I was seated in a chair. Again. Why the hell do I keep letting this happen?

 

"Ow," all that could come out. I looked around. We were in a wooden cabin. There was an MP5 submachine gun on the table next to me.

 

"You with Charlie?" Sylvester Stallone asked me. He looked pissed.

 

stallone

 

"Charlie, what? No, my name is-" He slapped me across the face. It was only a slap but pretty much just as hard as Hitler's punch.

 

"Where are they?" Rambo screamed in my face. Spit came out of his mouth.

 

"Say it, don't spray it," I said back to him. He wanted answers and I didn't want to get slapped again. But I didn't even know who he was asking about. "Okay, I'll tell you everything," I gave in to this bizarre fantasy of his. "I'll take you to them."

 

"Take me. Now!" He screamed in my face again. Thankfully, he then untied me and pushed me out of the cabin, grabbing his gun on the way. He walked behind me with it pointed directly at me.

 

"I loved you in Tango and Cash," I said to him.

 

"Shut up!" He pushed me forward, shutting me up. We got back to the ship and the door opened. It was clearly visible that I was being held against my will.

 

"Sly?" Chuck Norris shouted down towards us. Stallone holstered his weapon.

 

"Charlie!" He bumped by me and climbed into the ship, hugging Chuck. I followed him.

 

"What was that all about?" Tyson asked me.

 

"He has some sort of movie PTSD or something," I spoke softly for only him to hear. "Let's get out of here." Tyson pulled back the controls and we left the jungle. We shot across the Atlantic and went straight for England. This time, we landed in the street.

 

"Go find him," Tyson instructed. He opened up the door and I walked out. Luckily, there were no cars around or I'd surely be hit! I wandered through the streets of London. Everyone was drinking tea. I stopped in front of a nice little tea shop. Tea was pretty good. My eyes adjusted as I looked through the window into the shop. The glass shattered and a man came flying through and hit me hard. We fell to the ground together and were both covered in glass.

 

"Hello, Gormley." Jason Statham looked me right in the eye and got back up. He was wearing a slick black suit.

 

statham

 

"I love your commercial, I voted for you." He turned back towards the shop as two guys ran out. They both pulled back for a punch. Statham quickly tripped one while punching the second in the throat. It was badass. They both went down.

 

"Whoa, sweet moves, Jason!" I was a fan of The Transporter movies. I got back up.

 

"Tell me Gormley," he looked back at me as he pulled something out of his suit. "You in the mood for tea?" He threw a pair of nunchucks in the air and ran back into the shop. They hit my hand and dropped to the ground. My right foot stopped them from hitting the sidewalk. I quickly looked around but no one saw. I followed Statham into the shop. The customers ran by me and exited screaming. Tables and chairs were flipped all over the floor. It was chaos. Statham was in the center of the shop as four men in suits surrounded him in an intense stare-off. His fists were up.

 

"Mr. Statham," another voice started from the back of the shop. He walked closer yet kept his distance. He was wearing a white lab coat with a stethoscope around his neck, looking oddly out of place. "You had your last chance to pay us your debt."

 

whitecoat

 

"C'mon boys," Statham stayed in place while turning around, ready for anything. "Can't we just discuss this over a refreshing cup of tea?"

 

I pulled out the nunchucks and began spinning them, gaining the attention of the room. The lead henchman didn't like it. "Who's the yank?" He demanded.

 

Statham looked me right in the eyes. "That's my secret weapon!" He winked and the battle began. All four came at him at once. He ripped of his suit jacket and trapped one of their arms in the sleeves, while kicking another in the head. I ran over with the nunchucks and swung, missing completely and hitting myself in the groin, falling to the floor in pain.

 

"Damnit, Gormley," Statham threw the guy through the counter glass, exposing bagels and muffins to the room. He ran over to pull me to my feet. "You ready," he put up his dukes. There were two guys left.

 

"I sure am," I begun swinging the nunchucks again, this time over my head. "Ahhhh," I yelled and went full speed at one of them, swinging right before I got to him. The nunchuck went full speed around and landed directly on my forehead, again sending me to the floor in pain. "God damnit," I shrieked.

 

Statham looked down and shook his head. "I'll take care of this." He ran at them and jumped in the air, punched one in the the jaw while kicking another in the face, knocking them both out. Dude was crazy good at fighting. He landed on the floor cleanly. The lead henchman was the only one left. Statham came to my aid again and pulled me up. "You want one last try Gormley?" He offered me.

 

I began spinning the nunchucks. "Allow me," I said confidently as I sprinted. Halfway across the room, I slipped and hilariously landed on my back. "What the shit!" I shouted angrily. I looked at what caused my fall to find cream cheese all around me. The smell of it made me gag. Statham took care of the henchman, who dropped to the floor next to me. I took a closer look at his lab coat which read, 'Oliver Dre M.D.'

 

"He's one of my doctors. The hospitals are getting angry at me for all the lads I've been sending in," Statham explained as he pulled me to my feet one last time. "It's costing them a fortune and they want me to start paying the fees."

 

"Uh-huh," I wasn't surprised.

 

"So you know what I told them?" The bald-headed Brit asked me.

 

"What?"

 

"I told them to fuck off!"

 

"Right," we went back into the street. "We need to get back to the spaceship."

 

"Spaceship?" Statham put his suit jacket back on.

 

"Yes."

 

"Okay." We walked back down the street and entered in to meet the team.

 

"How was it?" Tyson asked as he closed the door.

 

"Fine," I answered as he pulled up and away. We sailed off into the sky to land in our next team member's home country of China. Tyson brought us to a safe landing in a big back yard. We could see a tiny Chinaman in the yard sunbathing by his pool.

 

I exited the ship and he spotted me. "Jet Li," I shouted across the yard.

 

jetli

 

"All set!" He got up and quickly put a shirt on, grabbed a duffel bag and jogged into the ship. That was easy. We zoomed off for our final team member. The ship steadied above a large field filled with furniture, old cars and large piles of fruit. I looked down at one of the cars as it exploded, sending pieces flying.

 

"Hit the floor!" Will Smith hurdled himself to the floor. A large tank rolled into the field. We descended down to get a closer view. Another shot went of, blowing a pile of watermelon to pieces. Behind the wheel was Arnold Schwarzenegger smiling, with a cigar in his mouth.

 

arnold

 

"You probably shouldn't land this thing on the field," I said to Tyson. "Can you pull up and ride next to him?" Tyson nodded and we pulled up next to the wealthy lunatic. He hit a button to make the ship visible and opened up the door as we rode next to Arnold.

 

"Arnold!" The sound of the tank track rolling made it difficult to hear. He looked up and waved.

 

"Hello Gormley!" He didn't stop the tank. "Ready for a bath?" He looked down the field and adjusted the tank gun. Then he looked back up at me and a shot went off, exploding a bathtub a hundred yards away. Arnold roared with laughter.

 

"Arnold, we need you to come to North Korea with the rest of The Expendables!" They lined up behind me.

 

His smile faded. "What for?"

 

Sly came up next to me. "For a birthday party!"

 

Arnold smiled again. "This is my newest appendage." He meant the tank. "It stays with me!" I looked back at Tyson and the Blue Men. One of the Blue Men took control and we floated above Arnold. The ship shaked as the tank was pulled up and attached. The team was finally complete.

 

"Let's go kill Kim Jung Un," Norris said.

 

"Yeah!" The whole ship lit up. It was exciting. We shot off for our final trip to the country in shambles.

 

"Wait!" Tyson said nervously as he stopped the ship. "We need to go back to pick up myself and Prince William."

 

"What you talkin' bout, Tyson?" Will Smith was confused.

 

"It's how we got onto this ship in the first place. Before we parachuted out of the sky to meet Mark and the Blue Men on the ground." Tyson knew the deal.

 

Will Smith was puzzled. "I don't remember."

 

"Just trust me," we zipped and zoomed and ended up at a large school auditorium. At least that's what I assumed it was. Neil DeGrasse Tyson walked out of the building. "I was just finishing a speech on theoretical relativity."

 

"Sounds like a load of horse shit," Chuck Norris wasn't happy.

 

norris2

 

"I'll go out and have a word with me," Tyson chuckled to himself. He came back with him. "Guys, this is me." He introduced himself.

 

tysontyson2

 

The team looked at each other and then back at them.

 

"Ok, let's go get Will Smith," Tyson said. We left the school for Miami, where the heat is on all night and on the beach till the break of dawn. We landed in a parking lot in direct sunlight. I could see Will Smith in the distance. It looked like he was heading back to his car.

 

"Let me off here," I told Tyson. He opened up and I got out, making a b-line for the Fresh Prince.

 

"Master William," I waved and met up with him. "You need to come with me to that spaceship," I pointed at it, "to meet yourself, The Expendables, Neil DeGrasse Tysons, and The Blue Man Group. We're going to North Korea to kill Kim Jung Un...again." Arnold's tank was exposed. He looked out and gave Will a thumbs up.

 

"Alright, lemme just go get Jaden, my son. He starred in 'After Earth' with me. He's over there in my car."

 

I looked at the car. The windows were up in the middle of the summer. "Will, he'll be fine. We have no time for this." I ran back towards the ship. Master William tagged along. We got inside.

 

"Will?" Will smith said to himself.

 

"You guys shouldn't touch each other. Have you seen Time Cop? You'll turn into a blob." I tried but they went right up to each other and did the Jazz handshake, slapping hands then a sideways thumbs up.

 

handshake

 

"God damn I look good," Will Smiths both said at the same time. I had to admit, two Will Smiths was better than one.

 

"Jinx, buy me a coke!" One said.

 

"Ooh, he got you!" The Rock said before laughing.

 

"And we're off to North Korea!" Tyson finally said. This trip was getting long and my stomach started growling. We soared off to North Korea.

 

I began to brief the team. "Now guys, you can't let anyone know how you got to the basketball stadium until after Jung Un is defeated," they listened carefully. "Especially you, Snipes."

 

"TSSSSSSS," he hissed at me. He was such a dweeb. We got to North Korea, flying past large grey buildings and empty streets.

 

"Now for weapons...."

 

Jet Li dropped his large duffel bag to the floor in front of me. "Got you covered." I reached into the bag and pulled out a shotgun, then handed it to Terry Crews.

 

"That's what I'm talking about." He cocked it.

 

"What do I get?" Jason Statham stared at the bag and rubbed his hands together in anticipation. I reached into the bag and pulled out a folding chair.

 

"Here you go," I gave it to him.

 

He threw up his hands. "What the hell is this?" He then accepted his weapon. I scanned the room for unarmed Expendables.

 

"All I need are these," Chuck Norris put up his fists.

 

I pulled out a Magnum. "Take this too," I said to Norris, tossing him his piece.

 

Jet Li did a backflip. "All set."

 

Sly Stallone had his submachine gun from the jungle. An entertained Wesley Snipes was doing sword tricks. I still didn't know why he was there. At this point, we were above the basketball stadium, which had a concrete ceiling.

 

"Great, how are they getting in?" I asked the Blue Men. The Blue Men went over to the wall and armed themselves with their space guns again. Tyson opened up the door to expose the rooftop. The whooping sound from the space guns melted away the concrete into nothingness.

 

"I have got to get me one of those!" Will Smiths both said at the same time.

 

Jet Li went into the bag and pulled out uniforms and ropes. The Expendables quickly changed into their black outfits and were ready for the fight. The inside of the basketball court was exposed letting us witness all the action beneath us.

 

The Rock looked down to see Bruce Willis, myself and himself sitting on three chairs below. "Who's that handsome devil on the chair?" He asked aloud.

 

"That's me," I said. He gave me the people's eyebrow.

 

We began our final meeting. "Team," I started. "What you are about to accomplish will go down as the greatest victory in our lifetime. You're all very important and-"

 

"Who's the babe in the dress?" Will Smiths were looking down towards the court.

 

"That's Dennis Rodman," I said smiling.

 

rodman

 

They looked at each other in disgust. "Damn! She look just like Carlton's prom date!" One Will Smith said. The team laughed. We could hear The Blue Man Group begin playing awesome music below.

 

"Ok so..." I forgot where I was with my speech. "Anyway guys, just remember to have fun. We have to set up the ropes to repel down. Who's going first?"

 

Mel Gibson finally woke up in his stupor. "Me!" He took a drink, ran and jumped out of the spaceship. His bottle went flying into the hole the Blue Men created. Gibson hit the stadium roof and fell 10 stories to the ground outside, landing hard on concrete.

 

"Okay," I lowered the ropes down into the stadium. They were now anchored to the ship. "Who's going second?"

 

"Let's go boys!" Sly instructed. They all grabbed the ropes. "We gotta think of something badass to yell," he looked at me.

 

"Yell Gormley surprise," I said.

 

"What?"

 

"Just do it!"

 

He shrugged his shoulders. "Alright.... Gormley surprise!" The Expendables repelled down into the arena. Our job was almost done. We flew down to the ground. Tyson left the door open for Arnold to hear.

 

"You ready for the party, Arnold?" I shouted to him.

 

"Tonight I'll be having Chinese for dinnah!" His accent was endearing. The Blue Men took the controls and hit a button to release the former Governor into enemy territory. Arnold landed and immediately shot off a round, blowing a hole in the side of the building. He gave me a thumbs up as he drove off.

 

"We did it guys!" I was proud of everyone.

 

"Almost," Tyson said. We went back up into the sky to parachuting height. The duffel bag had two more important pieces to this puzzle. Jet Li sure was handy. I pulled out two parachutes and handed one to Neil DeGrasse Tyson's copy and one to Will Smith's copy.

 

"Put these on," Tyson put his on without hesitation. Will Smith looked confused, but slowly put the parachute on.

 

I walked Tyson's copy to the door and shook his hand. "I don't see why we needed to get copies of you guys," I asked him for an answer.

 

"If my copy jumped out, it would create an infinite time loop," the wind was blowing into the ship, making it hard to hear. "He told me everything I needed to hear to complete the mission."

 

"Whatever," I didn't get it. Tyson jumped out. Now for Prince William.

 

"Master William," I gestured him to come over to me, while pulling something out of my pocket. I pulled my sunglasses down from the top of my head. "Look here." He looked at the nueralyzer and I pressed the button. He became a zombie as I told him exactly what he needed to hear. "Will, you must never make another movie with your son Jaden. He's going to ruin why everyone loves the Smith name. You used to be in great movies like Bad Boys and Men in Black. Now you're in movies like Seven Pounds and that dumbass movie with the rubik's cube." I looked out into the sky. "Oh and forget everything you saw on this spaceship. The Blue Men want to meet you because they like the Fresh Prince. When you land, give me this," I handed him the nueralyzer. He handed it back to me. "No, when you land!" I pushed him out and watched him struggle with the parachute the whole way down.

 

"Jeez," Will Smith said. "That was harsh."

 

"Well, it's the truth," Tyson corrected him.

 

"We did it guys!" The Rock, Will Smith, Neil DeGrasse Tyson, and the Blue Man Group were all that was left on the ship. Together again.

 

We rocketed off into the distance, back to the Miami parking lot.

 

"Thanks for the ride," Will Smith ran out back to his car.

 

BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP

 

"The time-o-graph!" a Blue Man shouted, terrified.

 

"What's that?" I asked.

 

"It's a telegraph...through time. Used only in emergencies from our home planet. It's never gone off before." He walked over to the wall and pressed at a few different places. A white piece of paper came out. "This is not good, not good at all." The other Blue Men looked at him patiently. "It's from 500 years in the future. Looks like our planet survived the initial attack we escaped from. There's a war. Multiple planets involved. It started with some...flying spaghetti monster?" He looked back at them confused. "And then at the bottom it says, 'The Rock, your fly is down.'"

 

The Rock looked down at his fly. "Oh!" He said embarrassed and turned around, zipping it up.

 

"We need to go into the future," The Blue Man said. He went over to the time dial and entered in a date. "Going that far forward will be much more intense. You may want to strap in."

 

"Wait," I said, running up to the time dial. "Shouldn't we go save The Expendables from Dennis Rodman?"

 

He took his hand off the machine. "Well, what do you think we should do?"

 

I looked around the ship at Tyson, The Rock and The Blue Man Group. "Eh, fuck those douchey actors!" I slammed down on the red button and the room lit up. I passed out.

 

TO BE CONCLUDED....