July 30, 2017

 

What it's Like Having a Funny Bumper Sticker

 

sticker

 

**Due to recent political news, this story contains inaccuracies. Sean Spicer serving as White House Press Secretary is a big part of this article. I considered throwing out the whole project after his resignation. Then I thought, maybe we can just pretend he still serves as White House Press Secretary, just for one more time. So I am asking you, the reader, to bear with me as I take you back to the good ol' days of early July, 2017. Thank you.**

 

Back in the mid 90's, I texted my friend Owen incurring about bumper stickers:

 

owen

 

Two decades later, I weighed out the risks and rewards of having a bumper sticker.

 

Risks:

Damage to car bumper

Easily spotted by enemies

The possibility of too much fame

Rewards:

Boring car bumper upgrade

High Fives from strangers

The possibility of too much fame, but in a good way.

 

I decided the rewards outweighed the risks. Time for a new BS! Go big or go home. I went online and made my own, mocking the popular Mount Washington stickers I've come to loathe:

 

washingtstickere

 

Then I texted my girlfriend about it:

 

woman

 

And so began the tale of having a funny bumper sticker.

 

Chapter I - The First Morning

 

My first morning waking up was strange. After skipping the gym, breakfast, and showering for a little extra sleep (which wasn't the strange part), I walked out to my car. But from dozens and dozens of feet away, I could see a mob of people surrounding the 2011 Honda Civic.

 

"Wow, that's funny!" Said a man, holding his child while snapping a pic.

 

"I wish I had one!" Said a woman, also taking a pic.

 

"That's funnier than that new Adam Sandler movie on Netflix!" He could've meant a lot of things here.

 

I walked through and hit the unlock button, alarming the crowd. "Hi, I'm Mark Gormley, this is my car." I was dressed as a Mailman.

 

"That bumper sticker is awesome! Where can I get one?" Asked a stranger.

 

"I'm sorry," I said, stepping into my car. "It's custom made, not for sale." I turned on the engine and it made a squeaking sound. Keep in mind the car's a piece of shit. Then I turned it into reverse, backed up a little, turned it into drive, went a little forward, turned it into reverse, backed up a little, then back into drive and I was out of my spot.

 

park

 

"Awww," the crowd left disappointed. But this was MY funny bumper sticker!

 

Chapter II - The Drive to Work

 

The drive to work was usually a short and boring one, minus the occasional head on collision. Today was different. I was getting honked at by nearly everyone. People driving by with a thumbs up and yelling out their windows.

 

"You're the man!" "See you on SNL!" "Your blinker game is strong!"

 

It was great. Who wouldn't love all this positive attention. This new found fame is swell!. And just then, I heard the sound I hadn't heard since 2011. WOOP! WOOP! With the flashing red and blue lights behind me. I was being pulled over.

 

pulledover

 

Did I make an illegal turn? Had I run someone over? The officer got out of his car and walked towards my driver side window, holding a box. I rolled down my window.

 

"Sir," he said to me, "That is without a doubt the funniest bumper sticker I've ever seen." He had a giant smile across his face. "You just cheered up everyone in the police department and your past tickets have been cleared. Would you like one?" He opened up the box of Donuts.

 

"Ooh, I'll take a Boston Creme," my favorite.

 

Chapter III - Workday Jamz

 

After pulling into the parking lot at work, my police escort came up next to me. "Don't forget, you don't need to worry about red lights anymore. And drive on any side of the street you want."

 

"What about the sidewalk?" I asked. The Officer thought about it, got on his radio for a few seconds, and then gave me an answer.

 

"The Chief said it's fine, good work!" He honked his horn and sped off into the sunset. Or sunrise. Whatever it's not part of the story.

 

After parking my car outside the office, I opened the door and walked in. "For he's a jolly good fellow, for he's a jolly good fellow," my coworkers were singing and cheering. "For he's a jolly good fellow, which nobody can deny!" Clapping and cheering ensued. I didn't know what to say.

 

"What are you doing here today?" my manager came up to me, while taking off his necklace ID thing and handing it to me. "You've been promoted."

 

"I've been promoted?" I was almost shocked. But it wasn't hard to get promoted here.

 

"You're the manager now. And you're on vacation," he pulled me in close. "For the rest of the year." The acting manager took my ID back.

 

"You're goddamn right I am!" I was ready to peace out anyway.

 

"We're all very proud of you AND the bumper sticker. Hope you'll remember us when the time comes."

 

"Excuse me, who are you?" I walked out and left for the year.

 

Chapter IV - Presidential Address

 

After finally making it home and squeezing through the endless photographers outside my apartment, I decided to take a break from it all and watch some good ol' Judge Judy.

 

BREAKING NEWS

 

My Judge Judy marathon was immediately interrupted. Of all days!

 

-THE PRESIDENT WILL NOW ADDRESS THE NATION-

 

President Donald Trump (yes, that's right) walked out to a podium and began reading from a Teleprompter.

 

trump

 

"My fellow Americans, it has come to my attention that in the great City of Boston, a man by the name of Mark Gormley has created a bumper sticker so funny that I can no longer go on with my presidency." I lifted my eyebrow in curiosity. "The bumper sticker reads as follows," he pulled out a sheet of paper with awkwardly shaky hands. "This car climbed Mount Everest." He put the paper back in his inner jacket pocket. "Wow,' his eyes looked around the room, then back in the camera. "Now that's funny. So funny, that I can no longer continue with these lies and this presidency. Yes, it's true, I've been working with the Russians. I don't care about any of you. The pee video is real, I literally have no idea what I'm doing and I'm in way over my head." He reached into his other side pocket and pulled out a handgun. He put the gun to his temple and looked directly into the camera for his final words. "Goodbye."

 

BOOM! Trump's head exploded and blood splattered all over the place.

 

"Mr. President, no!" Vice President Mike Pence ran into frame, horrified. He picked up the gun and put it to his head. "Not without me!"

 

BOOM! Pence's head exploded and blood splattered all over the place.

 

"Mr. Vice President, no!" White House Secretary Sean Spicer ran into frame, horrified. He picked up the gun and put it to his head. "Not without me!" BOOM!

 

I changed the channel to Judge Joe Brown. It was like Judge Judy, but with a man instead of a woman. Let's see what kind of wacky cases are going on today!

 

joebrown

 

CHAPTER V - A city Divided

 

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW

 

The power went out. All I wanted to do was watch some television, darnit! The city emergency alarms were ringing for all to hear.

 

sirens

 

Who's in charge of that thing anyway. Would be fun for a prank. Anyway, chaos was surely on the rise. It went on for minutes before I heard the first shots outside.

 

TTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

 

Machine guns.

 

PKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK

 

Explosions.

 

♪Livin' La Vida Locaaaaa♪

 

Latina music playing from the projects.

 

I pulled open the curtain. Mobs. Two to be exact. Facing each other in the street outside my window. There must've been 20-40 on each side. One side with a megaphone. The other with a megaphone. Surely they would let me know what this is all about.

 

"ALL HAIL THE BUMPER STICKER!" Followed by cheers from the left side and boos from the right.

 

"WE WANT THE BUMPER STICKER!" Followed by cheers from the right side and boos from the left. Both of the mobs looked oddly familiar.

 

Wait a minute. So one side wants to worship the bumper sticker, obviously. And the other wants to take credit for it, screwing me personally. I paid almost 9 bucks for that thing. No way! This is MY fight now. I sprinted to my bedroom, grabbed my nunchucks, and jumped through the living room window, smashing glass everywhere and letting the kitty out. LOL.

 

Cheers from the left or right side, whichever is mine, and the war began.

 

"We want your head, Gormley!"

 

Adam Fucking Sandler.

 

sandler

 

"You think you're the funny guy? I created that bumper sticker! And I climbed Mount Everest with my car!" He pointed at me and gave his serious face. Or at least he was trying to. It felt like the same character in every other movie he's in. His gang of washed up Netflix stars were fighting awkwardly against the JP dive-bar regulars behind him. It was interesting to watch. Neither really knew what they were doing.

 

"Not only did you not create the bumper sticker," I was really kind of annoyed here. "But you don't even get the joke. It's a play on the Mount Washington bumper sticker!"

 

Sandler looked at the ground. Then at the sky, he was really trying to think. After a few moments he angrily shouted, "I don't get it!"

 

"I know you don't." I started twirling the nunchucks like a badass. However, it had a dizzying affect on the regulars. They started vomiting.

 

"What are you doing," what's-his-name said, falling over.

 

"That's twirly," said another, whose name I forgot, barfing and falling to the ground.

 

They were drunk. All of them. Christ, it was like 2PM. And the Sandler Netflix stars came out on top. He smiled and nodded. A whole group of them started surrounding me.

 

grownups

 

"That's exactly what I expected. You can't beat us." He looked behind and motioned to another washed up celeb.

 

Vanilla Ice, covered in fake gold, lame tattoos and shame, pulled out my girlfriend. He held her by her wrists and waist.

 

"Woman!" I yelled to her. She was probably enjoying it.

 

"Drop your weapon, Gormley." Sandler pulled out a glock and aimed it to her head.

 

sandlergun

 

"No!" I began twirling my nunchucks again. "Either you kill her, and you all die." I began planning my attack. "Or you let her go...and you all die!"

 

"AHHHHH!" This set off Sandler. "GIve me the bumper sticker!" He fired a warning shot into the air.

 

A tubby Kevin James and Rob Schneider came into frame, running. "RUN!" They shouted in unison. "The regulars are coming! The regulars are coming!"

 

A large group of drunks quickly followed them, throwing bottles and vomiting everywhere. Including right in the face of the B-List leader. Sandler got it in the face, mouth, and on his shirt. "UGH!" He passed out, as the regulars chased away the rest of them, freeing my girlfriend and concluding this story.

 

And that's what it's like having a funny bumper sticker.