April 17, 2018

 

FedEx Driver Tricks Elderly

Woman Into Signing Away Her Soul

fedex

"I should've checked the tracking number."

 

92-year-old Agnes Rhodes had been expecting a package for several days now. When the doorbell rang this past Tuesday, she thought it must be her package. A handsome FedEx driver was at the door and asked her for a signature.

 

"I thought nothing of it," Agnes said."I've signed for plenty of packages before." This time, as she describes, was a bit different.

 

"Right after I signed, he grew horns, a tail and said the following:

 

SINCE YOU'VE LIVED YOUR LIFE IN VAIN

GET READY FOR ETERNAL PAIN,

NOW YOU'VE SIGNED THE DOTTED LINE

FOR ONCE YOU DIE YOUR SOUL IS MINE!

 

Then he vanished into thin air."

 

Agnes, who lives with her cat, agrees that she has learned her lesson. "I should've checked the tracking number. It turns out my package isn't arriving until tomorrow."

 

Now Agnes will be spending eternity in Hell with all the other sinners. "I might as well stop going to church," Agnes said, laughing. She grabbed a bottle of Vodka from the liquor cabinet and took a swig. "The thing that bothers me the most isn't the eternal damnation. It's that I still haven't recieved my package! Buttons needs her kitty litter!"

 

-Mark Gormley