April 19, 2018


Homeless Man Getting Sick of

Making Smalltalk At Liquor Store


"I'm the same as I was this morning!"


To most of us, it's common courtesy. Asking how someone's doing, talking about the weather and how their days are going, etc. But for Ernie P., 'smalltalk' is not something he wants to partake in.


"I'm here all the time," Ernie said as he cracks open his brand new bottle of vodka, which he paid for with change. "I'm the same as I was this morning! They ask me the same questions every time I come in! I just wanna go back to the park. My dog ran off two weeks ago, chasing pussy! I'm gonna get back to work, fuck off!"


Ernie, who yells at people for a living, has been causing a nuisance in the park for over a decade. He goes back and forth to the liquor store once he makes enough for his favorite vodka, whatever's cheapest. Ernie lost his job as owner of the liquor store, after he dove too deep into the employee discounts.


"Yea, that's my dad," said Frank Pulio, current owner of the liquor store. "I'm just trying to connect with my father. Every time I do, he makes a scene. Here he comes again."


Ernie emerges from the park, stops and begins urinating on the store window.


"I love you, dad!" Frank rolls his eyes, and cracks open a bottle for himself. "Hey I get an employee discount too." Frank chuckles, and shouts again, "I love you, dad!" He then chugs the entire bottle and smashes it on the floor, resembling his father. A baby stroller rolls out of the back of the store.


"See you soon, son!" Ernie yells, still urinating all over the place. "See you soon!"


-Mark Gormley