July 12, 2013
How to replace your iPhone 4s battery for $8
"Mr. Jobs, the device is almost complete. We just need to figure out where to put the latch to open the back panel so they can replace the battery."
"No. Make them pay."
"But sir, the battery is only meant for one year and the other phones-"
"Did you hear what I said!? Make them pay! This will get us another $60 a year for five minutes of work."
"As you wish sir. I'll send word to China. Production will begin immediately."
"Muahahahahahaha. Muaaaaahahahahaha. MUAAAAHAHAHAHAHA!"
-Apple Headuarters, early 2007
Until recently, I did not know I could easily replace my iPhone battery. This is my first iPhone and I have had it since the first day it was released on October 14, 2011. The battery started acting afool about three months ago. I was planning on waiting until I bought a new phone but then read online that I could replace my iphone battery for only 8 dollars. I make over one and a half times that much in one hour so I figured why the hell not? Make sure you back up everything important on your phone before you get started. This will void the warranty and it is pretty easy to break your iPhone when attempting this. If you do break your iPhone, good for you. IPhones are the most overrated devices on the planet. Switch to an Android phone. You won't get me to say that I doubt that you won't be unhappy with it. That was a quadruple negative.
1) Go on eBay and purchase this iPhone battery replacement kit for $7.97. It arrived a few days later and the toolkit alone is worth more than that. You can even keep the toolkit afterwards if you want.
2) Power down your iPhone. If your battery is completely dead, skip to step 3.
3) Take the smallest tool thing with the star at the end and turn the screw thing to the left or right until it comes out.
4) Don't let one of these fuckers drop on the floor or you're in trouble. Use a plate for the outside screws and another plate for the inside ones. There are 4 total and they are different sizes.
5) Give a double thumbs up with your thumbs attached to the back of the phone. This will loosen the back of it. Then pull it off and set it on the table. Look inside and see what you are paying for. $200 and $50 more a month for all this tiny bullshit. The future sucks.
6) I'm pointing at something here. I don't know what the hell it is but it's probably important. Make sure you remember the position it's in.
7) Use a different sized tool thing to loosen the screws. There are only two. Do the bottom one first. For some reason it sticks to the tool. Hooray for magic.
8) Use a tool to loosen the metal thing. Out pops the other metal thing from before. It is bronze on the back. Don't lose it. It might be important.
9) Try to get the battery out. Start by pulling on the clear tape looking thing. Then use the plastic thing. Which doesn't do shit. Pull off and break the metal thing. Shit. Don't do that. It is part of the battery. Damnit. Well this battery sucks anyway, that's why I'm replacing it. Go back to pulling the tape looking thing. It still won't fucking move. Stick the plastic thing all over the goddamn place. Then pull the tape thing really hard again.
10) Finally. Jesus Christ. Take a break after that. That was a huge pain in the ass.
11) Now do everything in reverse. Put the new battery in and put the bronze thing under the metal thing like it was before. Try not to throw it across the room when you can't keep it in place. It might be important.
12) When you eventually get the screws in place, put the back on again. Put one thumb on it and give it a reverse thumbs up. Then use the star tool thing to put the other screws on the outside again.
13) Good work. You are done. You now have a new battery at 15%. Charge your phone as you normally would. Calibrate your battery. (Fully charge it. Fully Deplete it. Fully charge it.) This should last until you can afford an Android phone.
14) I use a case because that asshole made these out of glass so they break easily. I put Velcro on the case so I can put my phone on the dash in my car. Markings on the side represent a half inch to an inch. Make your shit useful.
And that's it. You now have a brand new phone that was outdated in September 2012.